Awareness and the quest for understanding

There is a war waging within me.

How do I know?

War makes no sense to me. While I may live in a safe and peaceful place, I am not excluded from the happenings in the global arena.

I am questioning the chaos of the wars being played out on the big screens in the world arenas.  

Family feuds start innocently and end tragically. There appears to be no come back for the excluded family member/s. The rift keeps increasing. Love is soon experienced as bitterness and the need to revenge.

Why are we in our immediate and extended families arguing and disagreeing? You may say that healthy debate creates understanding. Yes, as long as it stays in a discussion where everyone is given an equal voice. Each voice wants to be heard and understood with respect.

The sad realization is that feuds extend beyond families. There needs to be a villain and a hero in every story. There is the need to be correct, to be heard, and to be seen. These needs drive the underlying demand for survival forces into action.

What is the war that is waging within me?  

Firstly I am aware of the chaos within me when I do not feel heard, seen, or understood. When I say “I”, I am speaking of the “I” in me, like Sonja, but also as the possible “I”, as you, the reader.  

I feel in conflict with the world that I observe. Who am I in this conflict?

The moment I witness, through social media or otherwise, the conflicts and chaos displayed around the globe, I am part of the conflicts that lead to the eruptions of wars. It stirs something up in me that I would like to understand.  

I want to understand the sense in the nonsense of war.  

The stories of horror of savagery in wars abhor me.  

The stories of abuse, of whatever nature, within any relationship, bring up a sense of despair within me. I am becoming aware that every disagreement within me may lead to the potential for a more significant conflict.  

It is the helplessness within me that I need to face. I find myself either in the chaos of the war within or the chaos of the helplessness within. There is no solution to a good way forward other than surrendering to the human I am. I understand that every war is sparked by a minor conflict that explodes like a volcano. The hot lava burns and destroys everything in its wake. Only once all the dust settles can the full impact of destruction be observed.  

Our wounds, our brokenness, are like the volcano that wants to explode. When this volcano explodes, the after-effects of the destruction of our lives and those of our loved ones.  

Taking responsibility for our woundedness and finding a path of healing is the one action step we can take. When we can acknowledge and give a voice to the pain, where we can see and experience it fully, we can take control of the wars and the conflicts within. Understanding my pain helps me understand all the conflicts within wars – whether they be family feuds of one country fighting another country to gain power.