Learning from the Systemic Field – Secrets that hold the bondage

In Family Constellations, we often uncover the ‘unknown’, which may be a secret. Why do people hold onto secrets? Secrets create complicated entanglements.

What is the purpose of keeping a secret?

What are the consequences for those that hold the secret?

What are the consequences for those that are impacted by the secret?

How safe is it to uncover and reveal a secret?  

Who has the right to reveal a secret?

What is the purpose of keeping a secret?

A secret’s purpose is to protect those involved in the situation that needs to be kept from public knowledge. Guilt and shame are the main promotors that lead to the pact. Guilt and shame are emotions that arise from beliefs entangled in family, religion, or other group belonging. Belonging is a primary emotional need. The fear of a situation being exposed equals the fear of losing one’s belonging to a system.  

What are the consequences for those that hold the secret?

Those that hold the secret are in bondage to that secret. Holding the bondage to the secret means all the emotions are kept alive, linked to the need to keep the secret. The secret is always in control of all future actions and decisions, and choices. A secret lives in violation of our need for inner safety and peace.  

What are the consequences for those that are impacted by the secret?

All people that are impacted by the secret life in subconscious consciousness to it. It is a bondage that is not consciously understood, yet it creates habits and beliefs beyond control.  

When a secret is uncovered is brings peace and ease into a family system which is why family constellations are such a valuable modality to engage with.  

However, sometimes what appears to unfold in a family constellation may not be the truth of the reveal of the secret. Sometimes a story unfolds, which, when investigated, may be different. It is for this reason that I hesitate to follow a storyline unfolding in a family constellation. The phenomenon that develops shows me where healing energy is needed.  

Does this then release the secret?

Indeed only the absolute truth reveals the secret?

My experience has shown if a storyline unfolds that is not based on fact, this storyline only illustrates a further complication of the secret yet provides the healing needed for the client. Often, when we do a piece of work of this nature, the secret seems to want to expose itself. The primary person holding the secret may then be able to embrace the opening to release the secret. With the embrace of honour and respect of all that is, the primary secret holder is then welcomed with relief of guilt through forgiveness and acceptance within the system they feared being excluded from. 

Safety is guaranteed.

What happens when a client follows the storyline?

When the client follows the storyline, violation of the secret is experienced. The system in which the secret is kept feels violated. Protection from the system is not possible. Remember, the secret serves as protection from being excluded from the system. The person violating the secret now faces exclusion.

A mother who refuses to give her child the name of the father holds the secret. The person to whom she tells this information and is sworn to secrecy has the secret with her. Both are bonded to the secret to protect belonging to the system.  

The child who explores, quite innocently, for the secret, the name of the father to be revealed, violates the system’s protection. It seems unfair. The child has a right to each of his/her parents. If a parent is withheld from the child, the child feels violated.

It gets complicated. There are no easy and rational solutions.

My question as a facilitator is: – “What would serve the child?”  

We acknowledge that we step into a minefield of violations in both directions.  

Safety for All is a primary concern.

My first thought line of action is to honour ‘what is’.

What does this mean?

To honour the system in which the secret is held and to which all parties are connected. To honour the person who feels a need to keep the secret. If the client cannot do this, they are not ready for the consequences of revealing the secret.  

The pursuit of the storyline in the revealed phenomenon endangers the client’s belonging to the system.

What happens when a client follows the healing intention?

When the client can honour the secret and the system and “Honour What Is”, they live in acceptance, automatic forgiveness, for all parties concerned. Honouring the fate and subsequent destinies allows the system to open up the secret’s possibilities to being released. When ‘All that Is’ can be embraced, the safety of continued inclusion is felt.

In my experience, this approach has worked well.

Who has the right to reveal a secret?

The person who holds the secret has the primary right to reveal the secret. A coconspirator of a secret does not have the right to reveal the secret. I have noticed in a constellation that they give the image, a phenomenon that leads to the healing intention. Yes, the burden of being a coconspirator is an entanglement all on its own.  

Factual proof can be used to bring a secret to light but does not necessarily lead to the resolve of all the entanglements.

The resolve of entanglements can be set up with a family constellation. Facts can be set up and brought into the awareness of all the traps.  

Again, the honouring of “All that Is” brings about the healing and peace that the client seeks.