Learning from the Systemic Field

Being heard, seen, and validated

This writing summarises learning from the Inner Child Healing Constellations online workshop. 

There was a sense of apprehension when we started the workshop on Friday afternoon. What can we expect? What will surface? What are the Inner Child’s emotions already on display? 

The good and bad news for me as a facilitator is that I never can anticipate what the client will bring forward as an early childhood experience. 

Our first constellation was set up for a new client who had no idea what this weekend would evolve into. We, as a group, honored her bravery up front. It meant that we gave her a space of safety where she would be seen, heard, and validated, even if the idea of exposure was overwhelming for her.

Can you, the reader, identify with this? 

What happens when a child needs to keep itself safe from danger in the environment? A child who does not feel heard or seen cannot handle the validation within its existence. 

The danger, in this case, was not a result of abusive parents. 

I want to point out that in no manner or means does a situation like this imply that the child was not loved, cared for or attended to. The parents were fully functional in survival for themselves and their families. The energy of danger was flowing forward from the point of the trauma in the family system of origin. Each sibling of the client presented in a trauma state in their presentation.

When the client witnessed the struggle each of her siblings was managing, she felt compassion rising. The newfound empathy replaced that anger and frustration she experienced in her relationship with her siblings. She could experience herself differently. She could see her siblings in a new light. 

She can now recognize why she reacts instantly to specific threats in life. Responding to threats and then recognizing where they arise from is another next step in learning to hear, see and validate the needs of the Inner Child. The healing of the Inner Child is a process from now on.

I, as the facilitator, learned that wounds in the family of origin have deeply engraved consequences that need and want to be acknowledged for the more significant healing of all children. 

Children subconsciously pick up on the fears, guilt, and blame in their family home. Children have no understanding yet instinctively know not to speak and stay as safe as possible. Children feel helpless in dealing with adult fears. 

Does it mean that parents cannot ever express their fears? We must remember that each parent has a mostly wounded Inner Child they are dealing with too. When a parent can recognize the voice of their Inner Child, they can take responsibility for the fears, actions, and reactions of the Inner Child. From this position of duty, the communication with their children is much safer as they can hear, see and validate their children’s fears. In this way, they can support the child in dealing with its worries in a good way forward.

We ended our weekend in a group constellation looking at the Inner Child with other Inner Children. 

We learned from this that the dance each of us plays through our insecurities within. Lack of trust and not feeling safe in life creates their own game. 

Are we heard? What happens within us if and when we are listened to?

What happens when you are seen? What happens when others do see you?

What happens when another validates you?

Can you hear, see and validate another? 

These are simple concepts that provide an array of complexities.

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